When I was a student at North Park University, and taking a course on C.S. Lewis, there was a question that C.S. Lewis asked in one of his books that we read for class called “The Most Reluctant Convert” that today has stayed with me. This question that C.S. Lewis asks is, “What is the most significant conversation you have every day?” My response than was my conversation with God, but according to Lewis it’s not, “It’s the conversation you have with yourself before I speak with God, because in that conversation with myself, I decide whether I am going to be honest and authentic with God, or whether I am going to meet God with a false face, a mask, an act, a pretense.” At that point in life I had realized that most of my Christian life I was busy being a pretender. I had come to realize that I have been spending my time being a religious broadcaster, a false Christian projecting an image by which I hope to get praise and respect from other Christians. I was living in a closet hiding from the real me, the insecure me, the sexual me, the doubtful me, the angry me, the complex, different, tempter, actual human me. Overall I had come to know that I was seduced by the appeal of appearing more spiritual to others than I really was. Since than I have tried, and I know I sure can try harder, to live a live of self-examination, especially as a Christian. This is crucial for my growth as a Christian.
Since than more than ever before it has been my goal in life that I become comfortable with the idea of confession. Not sure how that will look like, but it is important that I keep acknowledging the tragic gap between my appearance and my actuality. I need to speak to God and not hide anything from God, for God already knows all of my dark secrets I carry in my life after all. It is tiresome to always project a happy, likeable, and “spiritual” image, when I should hold up to God the regrets and remorse of life. Also, I have come to learn that when I try to appear no holier, stronger, or better than I actually am. I keep the vital connection in tact, unsevered. The connection of “I am who I am” with God’s “I am who I am.”
Meanwhile, I believe that if we as Christians practice self-examination and confession, the more we are likely to stop the fault and wrongs that are not simply personal, but the wrongs and faults that are ingrained in the patterns of church, denomination, tribe, nation, or civilization. If we are able to acknowledge that in our Christian communities there is lying, coveting, stealing, seeking revenge, and other personal sins. If we can truly confess the things listed above which is eventually combined to create social categories of evil that will and do emerge within Christian circles. Such as social injustice, economic oppression, racism, and class or caste consciousness, heat waves of homophobia or patriarchy, and blinding blizzards of systemic evil. We can, just maybe can bring true peace and justice to all life-forms of this earth.
